I thought that I would cry the whole time on the drive back from Lynchburg to Richmond on Monday night… I wanted such sweet time with friends to last much longer than the short 24 hours that I actually got. To feel at ease… that’s the feeling that i miss so desperately. Some days are a lot easier than others, but some days, my mind drifts back to days where I didn’t have to worry about how I was being taken. How what I was saying, was being taken. Not that I wasn’t careful in delicate times and sought discernment in those moments, it’s just that I didn’t have to worry as much about it because I knew that the people around me knew my heart to the core. Lynchburg–Cincinnati… these places have stamped my heart in a way that few places have. Not even because of the environment, because lets be real.. the city of Lynchburg is like a third of the size of the Richmond. The people changed things for me. I think that I’m in the midst of learning alot of difficult, “outside of the box,” lessons. Ones that are deep, and unearth a smorgasbord of thoughts and emotions. There are days where i’m walking through some incredibly lonely days. There are days where I get the feeling of being known, but there are days where the ache of life being different than anticipated, and feeling like i’m being put through the wringer emotionally, where I chose to numb myself out. Netflix, or some dumb book i have on my kindle. Instead of turning the worship music on and just soaking… or opening my bible and sifting through the pages, letting the underlined verses pull me in, captivate me. Nope. I’m shutting that door. Because if i feel, i’m just going to feel the ache that much more and I’m tired of banging my chest, begging my heart to not give into the waves of unwanted emotion. There are flaming arrows being shot at me in those moments, the enemy seeking to destroy my anchor. But i know, i know that I’m given the right to feel my emotions… they’re not bad.
Going home to Cincinnati was sweet, lots of family time, baby time, relaxing by the fire time, and catching up with friends that I hadn’t seen in months, some, years. Time by the fire though, just thinking (while at times distracted by the dumb pug that kept getting uncomfortably too close to the fire), and something clicked. Between the moments I had to clear my head, and the number of conversations I had that were affirming of this season of life (I hate that phrase), something clicked. The banging of my chest that I felt that I had been doing, was because of my unwillingness to get before the Lord… something in me had shifted over these past couple of months, I was going through some of the motions, and distracting myself in the down time, in order to dull the ache. I want that to change, is what I thought. Something in my heart thawed in that moment, as I realized that I was having a hard time being thankful. My life is so counter cultural to the lives of those around me that are about the same age(ish), and i’ve had a hard time with that, at times. More so, I guess the part of me that God is very much working on is the bending of my will to be autonomous, in a sense. I have to say, its one of the harder things for me to learn, being the strong willed little thing that I am. But the lesson is good, the process is good. It’s by far pleasant, but i can look in the rearview mirror and see the work that’s already been done. I want to stop numbing when the feelings get too hard, instead i want to get my little behind in His presence. I know He’s good and that His love is abundant, wanting to reach into those achy places.
so as im driving back from lynchburg, after my week and a half stint of crazy family time in cincinnati, my heart drops for a minute. I turn on “light of the world,” by Lauren Daigle, and start cruising, as i remember the promises and reflect on the faithfulness of this past year, of what’s in front of me, and what’s to come. My heart lifts. I can do this.